life in a snow globe (not as pretty as it should be)

i feel like my life is a snow globe, and someone just keeps shaking the fuck out of it.


it's a cluster fuck in here and i can't see my hand in front of my face.


holding my breath until friday, when this week comes to a close and i can finally sit down and post something of substance.

<3

*sings* you're gonna need a body bag/i'll break bones you didn't know you had

i feel a little guilty writing a bitchface-rant blog post on gandhi's birthday. *looks up at sky* sorry dawg. but it must be done. *bows head for moment of silence in gandhi's honor*.

...silence...is it awkward yet?

ok, now on with the bitchfest!

this week was a big fucking test for my patience. i had repeat moments all week of the "shit-hit-the-fan-and-here-comes-a-breakdown" feeling. you know, the feeling that starts in your chest, and then sets your face on fire, and then (in my case) your entire body erupts into a soundtrack of earth shattering sobs? pretty awesome feeling. let's just say, i'm thanking my lucky stars for red wine, ice cream, and my TwiVulgarBitches (here's lookin' at you, @ashnanphillips, @buhbeesgirl, @meggsT, and @twisisterhood).

let's examine my favorite moments from this past week, shall we?

1. toddler throws epic shit fit (this was a repeat occurrence this week). my favorite episode was the one where i picked him up from school, buckled him in the car, hopped into my seat and started to drive away from the school. from the backseat i hear the bug, "mama, i forgot my backpack." naturally, i respond, "it's ok honey, it's in your cubby and you can get it tomorrow morning." and i keep driving. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. i should've turned back around. 'cause toddler proceeded to scream, cry, and attempt to ninja his way out of his car seat. THEN (and this is where i almost lost my shit), he takes his shoes off and throws them at me while i'm driving.


2. i'm driving along, it's about 6:30 am, i'm singing along to the random-as-fuck rotation that my ipod has chosen for me. i decide to switch lanes, so i signal, and start to move over slowly. i'm HALFWAY INTO THE NEXT LANE, when some ugly bitch mcbitchface in a lexus speeds up from the other lane and comes barrelling at my rear end at a speed that is really unnecessary during rush hour traffic. even though i'm already halfway into the lane, i guess she decided at that exact moment that it would be a good idea to switch lanes going 90,484 miles per hour. so she almost rams right into the back of me and honks her horn all crazy like whilst doing it. BITCH MC.BITCHFACE. i hope a dog poops on your shoes. i hope a drunk guy pisses on your purse. i hope you accidentally sit down in a pile of chunky, smelly vomit.

3. this is my FAVORITE. this takes the fucking cake. a little back story is necessary on this one. this past spring, bug and i moved into an apartment with my (now ex) boyfriend. since he has no ambition and he's stupid and lazy and relies on his mommy to pay all of his bills (at 25), things didn't work out. because, really, i can only handle so much bullshit from a grown man.

when we broke up, we decided to break the lease on our apartment and go our separate ways. naturally, we decided we'd split the payment to break the lease (which was about $1600). the date to pay rolls around, and i hand in a check for my half. douchey mc.doucheface ex-boyfriend doesn't pay his half. he skips town and goes back to ohio to live with his mommy, since she's a pushover and pays all of his bills.

a month goes by. i get a "final notice to pay" letter from the apartment complex. i send a very cordial email to douchey mc.doucheface ex-boyfriend, and CC his mommy (since she'll probably be the one paying). i do not hear anything back. another month goes by. i fwd the original email with a simple request: "hi guys, please read and respond asap." guess fucking what? i hear nothing from either one of them. apparently, stupidity and irresponsibility run in the fucking family.

i knew it was only a matter of time before the collections leeches came for me. in the past two weeks, i've received a few voicemails from them. then today, i get an email from them, advising me that i've got 10 days to pay them or they're going to "file a claim against my performance bond". i kindly respond and tell them that i'm in the process of filing a lawsuit against the other tenant, and that the debt will be settled in court. collections leeches respond less than an hour later and, in a nutshell, they tell me that the pending lawsuit doesn't matter and payment is still required within 10 days or they're going to feed me to lindsay lohan.

so now, i'm pissed. i'm heated. i want to buy a plane ticket to ohio, hunt down douchey mc.doucheface ex-boyfriend, and slap him in the face repeatedly with a dirty herpes-infected dildo.

i decide to unleash the snarky on the collections leeches. so this is the exact email i sent back to them:

Hi ladies,

Unfortunately, I don't have an extra $900 in my couch coushins, my piggy bank, or an illegal offshore bank account. Further, since I'm not a stripper or a prostitute, and I'm against selling my only child into human slavery on the black market, the chances of me acquiring $900 within the next 10 days is highly unlikely. I'll pray really hard and see if God drops anything on my doorstep though. If you have any constructive ideas on how to make $900 in two weeks, feel free to let me know. And Ill be sure to let the judge know how badly your corporation needs the $900.00 :).

Kindest regards,

yoganinjamama


P.S.
EAT A DICK

(ok, i didn't include the p.s. but i was thinking it.)

sisterpants is finally legal, and we step out for lunch with the lovely tara o

sisterpants. i know, she's fucking cute.

my gorgeous baby sister (aka sisterpants) turned 18 on friday. that little fucker is finally legal. i can't believe it. seems like just yesterday i was picking her up by her hair (yeah, i really did that once), making fun of her for wearing a rugrats bra, and eating the walls off of her gingerbread house just to piss her off. *nostalgic sigh*

i'll have to wait until next paycheck to shower her with useless material things ('cause i'm broke, as per usual) but i plan on getting her a fascinations gift card ('cause she's finally old enough to go to a raunchy sex store) and a brightly colored, sparkly dildo. ya know, embarrass the shit out of her. i hope she opens it in front of a shitload of people *evil giggle*. she got a few free piercings at HTC yesterday (they have an ongoing special where they offer three free piercings on your 18th birthday). she also enjoyed some after hours birthday festivities last night, and when she woke up this morning, i got a text that said (verbatim): "lauren...i feel like i died and got hit by a bus". oops :)

sagebug and i had lunch with tara o. today. tara o. and i don't see each other enough these days since she bought a house in BFE (that's butt fucking egypt, FYI), so it was about damn time i saw her pretty face again. tara is a wonderful photographer, a lovely lady, a genuine friend, AND she makes some kickass vegan chocolate chip pancakes to boot (ask bug, he swears by them). you can check out tara o.'s photography here, and if you're in the phoenix area you should absolutely book a shoot with her. she is incredible.

before i depart for the evening (to read smutty twilight fanfic), i'd like to share with you a FAIL moment that i experienced friday morning. friday morning was a little intense. i awoke with a start at 6:00 am, which is when i usually LEAVE THE HOUSE for work (normally i'm up at 4:30 am). i scrambled through a shower and a cup of coffee (at the same time. i was definitely drinking the coffee WHILE showering) and made it out of the house at 6:40 am in clothing that was only semi wrinkled. i glanced in the rear view mirror when i hopped in the car and, HOLY SHIT, i was having a really great hair day! shocking. EXCITING. i decided i needed a photo of said great hair day to remind myself that i am capable of looking halfway decent somtimes. but, alas, instead i experienced a PHOTO FAIL. since i leave for work driving eastbound, the sun can sometimes be a bit of an issue:

fuck you, sun! life ruiner!

mmmk. off to read twi fanfic. currently reading: the boy with the red sweater (just started this one), emancipation proclamation, and clipped wings and inked armor.

forced to live like it's a curfew / translation: it means i love you

sagebug and i are headed to macalpine's diner for lunch with the lovely miss tara o.

i have things to post, but i guess i'll have to find some time for that later (you know, like when i'm really busy avoiding my homework ;).

for now, this:

an uptempo version of "major label debut" by broken social scene. the video has some neat tour footage. this song makes my heart dance. literally. i can feel it fluttering around. and then my feet start moving, and my head starts bopping, and before i know it i'm out of my chair jumping around.

when i saw them at coachella in 2004, there was a beautiful marriage proposal on stage, and from thousands of people echoed a collective "awwww!". you know hipsters are suckers for that shit. anyway, this band makes me ecstatic. enjoy it (preferably in a loud fashion :).

one more reason to love conor oberst

aren't you glad you don't have to deal with me in public, like my poor friend dana? ;)

dearest conor oberst: please stop being such a cute boy genius and turning me on with your schmexy scrawny boy genius ways.

conor can't help but tempt me in naughty, delicious, torturous ways, which is obviously why he teamed up with fellow schmexy genius boys m. ward, jim james, and mike mogis to create the masterpiece of fan-fucking-tasticness that is this band:

monsters of folk (in all their sexy folk glory)

instead of doing my homework, or other productive things on my 'fucking do this shit, like yesterday' list, i'm eating ice cream and drooling over this lovely album, just released yesterday, for the sole purpose of tugging on my cold black hearstrings.

OH. did i mention that the gorgeous miss m and i have tickets for the monsters of folk show on october 21? *shit eating grin*. it should be noted here that there is no one on this beautiful planet that i'd rather see this show with. my skin tingles just thinking about it. *does cartwheels*

in twilight related news (because we all know that a large chunk of my world is consumed by all things twilight), the radiant screen writer goddess diablo cody made my evening with this little twitter gem:

dear ms. cody: *high five* awesome twat! (i really just like having an excuse to say TWAT).

i had a lot to talk about

but then i started drinking fat tire.

and it was all downhill from there.

in spite of my moderately tipsy state, there ARE a few really important things that i need to get off my chest.

first, i got new shoes. i love them so much, i'd definitely have sex with them if i didn't think it would be painful. but i'm guessing it would be kinda painful. sharp objects and my hoo-hah don't really get on very well. at any rate, they are probably the prettiest things i've seen since rob pattinson's (porn worthy) jaw and expertly tousled (sex) hair.

second, i happened upon a monstrosity in my mailbox recently: a new issue of "entertainment earth", with a lovely cover photo of the soon-to-be-released and highly anticipated edward and bella barbie dolls from none other than the anorexic propaganda machine itself, MATTEL! oh, HEAVENS! how exciting! WELL, at first, it was a glorious sight. my face, well, i'm pretty sure it lit up like a fucking christmas tree. instant replay:

(don't you wish your girlfriend was HOT like me? DON'TCHA?)

i'm a little ashamed to admit this, but i pre-ordered these barbie dolls about 3 or 4 months ago. no, i'm not kidding. and i didn't just pre-order the set of two. there's a special edition set that comes in a case, with two edwards and one bella. nope, still not kidding

be gentle with me. i still struggle with the fact that i fronted my hard earned cash for mattel products. further, i can't remember any point in my life when i had the desire to purchase or own a barbie doll. in fact, i used to pop their heads off when i was just a wee girl. my friends did not appreciate this. then, in high school, i took a bunch of barbie heads (can't remember where i got them. i was probably high when i did this, so that would explain why i can't remember where the fuck they came from) and gave them punk/new wave haircuts (with mod podge and glitter and markers), and then i hung them from my ceiling with push pins and fishing line.

like i said, there's a 98.43895743% chance that i was high when that went down.

anyway, when i got over my initial hissy fit of epic proportions, my face slowly contorted into something that looked a lot like this:

what in the FUCK is wrong with edward's face? what? you need a close-up, you say? no problem. happy to oblige.

this is not the face of my edward cullen, the hot vampy mess that gives me wet dreams. W.T.F. mattel, you done us dirty. DIRTY. DIR-TY.

and bella, you ho, the zipper on your jacket is bigger than your waistline.

dear mattel: suck my left tit (it's the one with the nipple piercing. 'cause the other one fell out.)

CHEERS!

right wing parenting FAIL

"you brain-washing, democratic, scary black president, how dare you tell my sweet republican four-year-old to stay in school! my trust fund baby doesn't take orders from a DEMOCRAT!"

dear shanneen barron (mom #1): first of all, you have elf ears. you should cover that shit up on national television. i'm just sayin'. second of all, what? stop crying. DRAMA RAMA. how old are you? twelve? p.s. your husband totally laughed at you when you started crying. HAHA!

dear uptight j.crew tshirt mom (mom #2): you look tense. go smoke a blunt. your husband just looks mute. he's probably scared to talk. you should let him hit that blunt a few times.

in my humble (but very brazen) opinion, these women are a little trashy, very narrow-minded, extremely controlling, and dare i say, DRAMATIC.

i don't really fucking care who you voted for. in fact, let's just say, for the sake of remaining neutral in this post, that i didn't vote for obama OR mccain. i voted for jesus. and satan. because they're the only ones who can save us now. for reals.

the most disturbing aspect of this entire uproar from conservative right wing parents is that their very emotional political opposition to the president is posioning their children. god forbid you'd teach your child to process information and form an educated opinion of their OWN. oh no no, better to make them drink your kool aid (whatever flavor it happens to be). why stop at withholding your kid from school? how about you hoof it down to the library and burn all the books you don't like.

this comes down to your child's EDUCATION. this isn't about politics. i believe the intent of the president's speech was to encourage kids to stay in school and be upstanding citizens. i don't know, maybe there was a secret hypnosis session after the speech that i'm not privy to, where obama spoon fed his position on complicated political issues to the little tots. in that case, well, that's just creepy.

finally, you know what REALLY makes me want to punch these people in the throat? they are teaching their children how to hate and pass judgement without merit. they are furthering the disgusting, senseless political divide that separates the world and fuels wars and greed and other nasty things.

EPIC PARENTING FAIL.