Saturday, October 31, 2009

OME! it's halloween!

first of all, i'd like to be the first to announce that it's HOODIE SEASON in phoenix. oh wait, scratch that. it WAS hoodie season. for about four days. today, however, it's 90 degrees again. *sigh*. i'm putting my hoodie season post on the shelf until the real hoodie season makes its grand entrance *glares at mother nature*. during the sprinkling of chilly fall days we had recently, sage and i did manage to take a trip to mother nature's farm and visit their pumpkin patch.

what? don't act like you're surprised that i gawked and took a picture of the sheep with the BIGGEST BALLS ON THE PLANET. you don't see this shit every day.

next item on the agenda: HALLOWEEN! gah! it's my favorite holiday, hands. down. unfortunately, i haven't had a ton of extra time on my hands this year to get into the halloween spirit. usually i go all out with halloween crafts, a spooky movie marathon, a well thought out costume, etc. but this year? nada. i can't say that i can check any of those halloween rituals off of my list this year *sigh* *kicks self*.

the one thing i DID manage to do? get my hands on some fuckhawt volturi contacts. ahh, my twilight obsession. it bleeds into every aspect of my life. and i wouldn't have it any other way ;). i also have fangs, which will be on display at the halloween party i'm attending tonight, but here are the contacts:

happy volturi vamp

i-will-fuck-you-up volturi vamp

little bug has been sick with a fever and general flu-esque symptoms since weds night, but he's bounced back a bit today and his fever seems to have broken for the most part. so thomas the tank engine will be out trick or treating tonight, i'm happy to say. it would break my heart if he were too sick to go, as he's really been looking forward to it. photos to come, natch ;). oh and if you're in the mood for some stellar halloween music (and how could you not be? HELLO! IT'S HALLOWEEN!), do yourself a favor and make your way over to the music savvy mom blog. you can thank me later!

oh, and i've already picked out my costume for next year:

vaginaaaaa! check out more awesome vagina costumes at wtfcostumes.

ok pretty bitches, i'm off to get vamped up whilst listening to some kickass halloween music. be safe and have fun, lovelies!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

the monsters of folk show: a two hour musicgasm

i'm not sure i can find the words to adequately describe how incredible this show was. my head is still in the clouds and my feet are still tapping. we were 15th row center and it was gorgeous. the orpheum theatre is a beautiful place by itself, but when conor oberst, m. ward, jim james, and mike mogis are on stage together, prepare to be mindfucked straight out of your skull.

they played a solid 2.5 hours. they played monsters of folk tunes, old/new bright eyes numbers, m. ward lovelies, and my morning jacket lullabies.

it's safe to say that throughout the entire show, my smile was so big that it was eating my face. my cheeks are sore from the constant smiling. luckily, emilie is well accustomed to the strange reactions i have when conor oberst is in close proximity. so she wasn't alarmed.

(em, i've never seen a conor/bright eyes show without you, and if i can help it, i never will. oh wait, ok, there was that one time when bright eyes played at the celebrity theatre with jesse sykes. i went alone. i think you were in indiana that night.)

anyway. since words are obviously failing me, here are a few photos:

after the show, i drove em back to her car, and we stumbled upon this masterpiece right next to modified arts. i don't know this joe pagac guy, but i'd like to give him a big wet kiss for painting this mural. when we saw it, i made loud noises from the car as we were driving by, then we parked and i dragged emilie around the corner with me to take pictures. she puts up with me, isn't she sweet? ;)

after she took this picture, i made out with the wall. after two glasses of wine and a show full of fantastic musicgasm fuckery, i just couldn't help myself *shrug*.

i have a ticket stub and photos and beautiful music in my head. now all i need is the set list. *runs away to search internet*

Saturday, October 17, 2009

new kicks

hipster moms rejoice! i give you: sage's first pair of converse.

well, that's sort of a lie. his first pair were traditional chuck taylor hi tops. but that was awhile ago, and he was still in that "i'm a baby and i grow at the speed of light" phase, so he only got to wear them two or three times before they had to be retired to the box.

anyway, when i brought these bad boys home the other night, sage was beside himself with excitement. he loves them. and so do i. everyone wins.

you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place

i wrote this about two weeks ago, but stuffed it away in my 'drafts' folder. i wasn't sure about it. but i want to post it, because there are few things in my life as simple and as true as this.


i spent the weekend grueling (and mumbling expletives) over an essay for my lit class.

i wasn't happy about writing it. i love to write, and i thoroughly enjoy reading, but i wasn't thrilled with d.h. lawrence's "the rocking-horse winner". i only had to read it once to file it neatly away under the "boring and irrelevant" folder in my mental filing cabinet of literature that i both love and loathe.

i turned the paper in tonight. after i got home and poured myself a (big fucking) glass of spanish red wine, it hit me. all of a sudden, i felt the delicious, overwhelming weight of absolute gratitude. i don't know what spurred this web of thought. but suddenly i was very aware of the cruel reality of the mother from lawrence's story. if you haven't read the story, let me tell you about the mother, hester. hester was a woman who was blessed in many ways (the house, the kids, the husband, the hired help), but she was never satisfied, because she was entirely consumed by her obsession for more. more money, more material possessions, more social status trophies, more money, more money, more money. hester's obsession left no room in her heart for anything but her futile pursuit of obscene wealth. she could not love her children, she could not appreciate her life, and she could not feel gratitude at all. there's an eerie supernatural, perhaps evil undertone to the story, and ultimately the obsession ends up killing one of hester's children.

i suppose i read the story so many times over the weekend, in an attempt to perfect the essay (note to self: perfection is still overrated and always will be), that i missed the underlying emotion i was feeling.

tonight it hit me. i am so fucking grateful for sage's bright smile, his curious mind, and his overflowing heart. sage is my favorite person in the entire world. sometimes when i see his face light up, i have to pinch myself to remind me that he's real. and he's mine :).

it's no secret that i love bright eyes and any project that conor oberst touches ('cause whatever he does is fucking fabulous. even his poop is a smelly work of art. serious.) this is one of my favorite bright eyes songs. i can't listen to it without a few stray tears trickling down my cheeks.

sagebug, this song is yours. and so is my heart.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

life in a snow globe (not as pretty as it should be)

i feel like my life is a snow globe, and someone just keeps shaking the fuck out of it.

it's a cluster fuck in here and i can't see my hand in front of my face.

holding my breath until friday, when this week comes to a close and i can finally sit down and post something of substance.


Friday, October 2, 2009

*sings* you're gonna need a body bag/i'll break bones you didn't know you had

i feel a little guilty writing a bitchface-rant blog post on gandhi's birthday. *looks up at sky* sorry dawg. but it must be done. *bows head for moment of silence in gandhi's honor*. it awkward yet?

ok, now on with the bitchfest!

this week was a big fucking test for my patience. i had repeat moments all week of the "shit-hit-the-fan-and-here-comes-a-breakdown" feeling. you know, the feeling that starts in your chest, and then sets your face on fire, and then (in my case) your entire body erupts into a soundtrack of earth shattering sobs? pretty awesome feeling. let's just say, i'm thanking my lucky stars for red wine, ice cream, and my TwiVulgarBitches (here's lookin' at you, @ashnanphillips, @buhbeesgirl, @meggsT, and @twisisterhood).

let's examine my favorite moments from this past week, shall we?

1. toddler throws epic shit fit (this was a repeat occurrence this week). my favorite episode was the one where i picked him up from school, buckled him in the car, hopped into my seat and started to drive away from the school. from the backseat i hear the bug, "mama, i forgot my backpack." naturally, i respond, "it's ok honey, it's in your cubby and you can get it tomorrow morning." and i keep driving. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. i should've turned back around. 'cause toddler proceeded to scream, cry, and attempt to ninja his way out of his car seat. THEN (and this is where i almost lost my shit), he takes his shoes off and throws them at me while i'm driving.

2. i'm driving along, it's about 6:30 am, i'm singing along to the random-as-fuck rotation that my ipod has chosen for me. i decide to switch lanes, so i signal, and start to move over slowly. i'm HALFWAY INTO THE NEXT LANE, when some ugly bitch mcbitchface in a lexus speeds up from the other lane and comes barrelling at my rear end at a speed that is really unnecessary during rush hour traffic. even though i'm already halfway into the lane, i guess she decided at that exact moment that it would be a good idea to switch lanes going 90,484 miles per hour. so she almost rams right into the back of me and honks her horn all crazy like whilst doing it. BITCH MC.BITCHFACE. i hope a dog poops on your shoes. i hope a drunk guy pisses on your purse. i hope you accidentally sit down in a pile of chunky, smelly vomit.

3. this is my FAVORITE. this takes the fucking cake. a little back story is necessary on this one. this past spring, bug and i moved into an apartment with my (now ex) boyfriend. since he has no ambition and he's stupid and lazy and relies on his mommy to pay all of his bills (at 25), things didn't work out. because, really, i can only handle so much bullshit from a grown man.

when we broke up, we decided to break the lease on our apartment and go our separate ways. naturally, we decided we'd split the payment to break the lease (which was about $1600). the date to pay rolls around, and i hand in a check for my half. douchey mc.doucheface ex-boyfriend doesn't pay his half. he skips town and goes back to ohio to live with his mommy, since she's a pushover and pays all of his bills.

a month goes by. i get a "final notice to pay" letter from the apartment complex. i send a very cordial email to douchey mc.doucheface ex-boyfriend, and CC his mommy (since she'll probably be the one paying). i do not hear anything back. another month goes by. i fwd the original email with a simple request: "hi guys, please read and respond asap." guess fucking what? i hear nothing from either one of them. apparently, stupidity and irresponsibility run in the fucking family.

i knew it was only a matter of time before the collections leeches came for me. in the past two weeks, i've received a few voicemails from them. then today, i get an email from them, advising me that i've got 10 days to pay them or they're going to "file a claim against my performance bond". i kindly respond and tell them that i'm in the process of filing a lawsuit against the other tenant, and that the debt will be settled in court. collections leeches respond less than an hour later and, in a nutshell, they tell me that the pending lawsuit doesn't matter and payment is still required within 10 days or they're going to feed me to lindsay lohan.

so now, i'm pissed. i'm heated. i want to buy a plane ticket to ohio, hunt down douchey mc.doucheface ex-boyfriend, and slap him in the face repeatedly with a dirty herpes-infected dildo.

i decide to unleash the snarky on the collections leeches. so this is the exact email i sent back to them:

Hi ladies,

Unfortunately, I don't have an extra $900 in my couch coushins, my piggy bank, or an illegal offshore bank account. Further, since I'm not a stripper or a prostitute, and I'm against selling my only child into human slavery on the black market, the chances of me acquiring $900 within the next 10 days is highly unlikely. I'll pray really hard and see if God drops anything on my doorstep though. If you have any constructive ideas on how to make $900 in two weeks, feel free to let me know. And Ill be sure to let the judge know how badly your corporation needs the $900.00 :).

Kindest regards,



(ok, i didn't include the p.s. but i was thinking it.)