Friday, October 2, 2009

*sings* you're gonna need a body bag/i'll break bones you didn't know you had

i feel a little guilty writing a bitchface-rant blog post on gandhi's birthday. *looks up at sky* sorry dawg. but it must be done. *bows head for moment of silence in gandhi's honor*. it awkward yet?

ok, now on with the bitchfest!

this week was a big fucking test for my patience. i had repeat moments all week of the "shit-hit-the-fan-and-here-comes-a-breakdown" feeling. you know, the feeling that starts in your chest, and then sets your face on fire, and then (in my case) your entire body erupts into a soundtrack of earth shattering sobs? pretty awesome feeling. let's just say, i'm thanking my lucky stars for red wine, ice cream, and my TwiVulgarBitches (here's lookin' at you, @ashnanphillips, @buhbeesgirl, @meggsT, and @twisisterhood).

let's examine my favorite moments from this past week, shall we?

1. toddler throws epic shit fit (this was a repeat occurrence this week). my favorite episode was the one where i picked him up from school, buckled him in the car, hopped into my seat and started to drive away from the school. from the backseat i hear the bug, "mama, i forgot my backpack." naturally, i respond, "it's ok honey, it's in your cubby and you can get it tomorrow morning." and i keep driving. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. i should've turned back around. 'cause toddler proceeded to scream, cry, and attempt to ninja his way out of his car seat. THEN (and this is where i almost lost my shit), he takes his shoes off and throws them at me while i'm driving.

2. i'm driving along, it's about 6:30 am, i'm singing along to the random-as-fuck rotation that my ipod has chosen for me. i decide to switch lanes, so i signal, and start to move over slowly. i'm HALFWAY INTO THE NEXT LANE, when some ugly bitch mcbitchface in a lexus speeds up from the other lane and comes barrelling at my rear end at a speed that is really unnecessary during rush hour traffic. even though i'm already halfway into the lane, i guess she decided at that exact moment that it would be a good idea to switch lanes going 90,484 miles per hour. so she almost rams right into the back of me and honks her horn all crazy like whilst doing it. BITCH MC.BITCHFACE. i hope a dog poops on your shoes. i hope a drunk guy pisses on your purse. i hope you accidentally sit down in a pile of chunky, smelly vomit.

3. this is my FAVORITE. this takes the fucking cake. a little back story is necessary on this one. this past spring, bug and i moved into an apartment with my (now ex) boyfriend. since he has no ambition and he's stupid and lazy and relies on his mommy to pay all of his bills (at 25), things didn't work out. because, really, i can only handle so much bullshit from a grown man.

when we broke up, we decided to break the lease on our apartment and go our separate ways. naturally, we decided we'd split the payment to break the lease (which was about $1600). the date to pay rolls around, and i hand in a check for my half. douchey mc.doucheface ex-boyfriend doesn't pay his half. he skips town and goes back to ohio to live with his mommy, since she's a pushover and pays all of his bills.

a month goes by. i get a "final notice to pay" letter from the apartment complex. i send a very cordial email to douchey mc.doucheface ex-boyfriend, and CC his mommy (since she'll probably be the one paying). i do not hear anything back. another month goes by. i fwd the original email with a simple request: "hi guys, please read and respond asap." guess fucking what? i hear nothing from either one of them. apparently, stupidity and irresponsibility run in the fucking family.

i knew it was only a matter of time before the collections leeches came for me. in the past two weeks, i've received a few voicemails from them. then today, i get an email from them, advising me that i've got 10 days to pay them or they're going to "file a claim against my performance bond". i kindly respond and tell them that i'm in the process of filing a lawsuit against the other tenant, and that the debt will be settled in court. collections leeches respond less than an hour later and, in a nutshell, they tell me that the pending lawsuit doesn't matter and payment is still required within 10 days or they're going to feed me to lindsay lohan.

so now, i'm pissed. i'm heated. i want to buy a plane ticket to ohio, hunt down douchey mc.doucheface ex-boyfriend, and slap him in the face repeatedly with a dirty herpes-infected dildo.

i decide to unleash the snarky on the collections leeches. so this is the exact email i sent back to them:

Hi ladies,

Unfortunately, I don't have an extra $900 in my couch coushins, my piggy bank, or an illegal offshore bank account. Further, since I'm not a stripper or a prostitute, and I'm against selling my only child into human slavery on the black market, the chances of me acquiring $900 within the next 10 days is highly unlikely. I'll pray really hard and see if God drops anything on my doorstep though. If you have any constructive ideas on how to make $900 in two weeks, feel free to let me know. And Ill be sure to let the judge know how badly your corporation needs the $900.00 :).

Kindest regards,



(ok, i didn't include the p.s. but i was thinking it.)


"Miss Shoe Box" said...

Okay, I just fucking peed my pants laughing! Boy did you ever have a week! You said things were shit, but never went into the true depth of it all... For Miss Stupid Lexus McBitchface, we'll send her a flaming bag of dog poo soon! ;) Hey, we can share the love and send one to McDoucheface Ex-boyfriend too--what a skeez anyway. I totally wish you would've told the collection people to eat dick! OMG! That would've call for pure celebration! I had a customer that um between myself & the Credit guy at our office we had decided we were literally going to send him an XL Dildo with a huge bottle of AstroGlide and tell him to SHOVE IT! BAHAHAHA! Well, I hope the weekend gives you a chance to breathe and if you need any legal advice lemme know, I bet I can get some free answers for ya :) Wish you could come with me to the beach! You need a break too!

Left of Lost said...

Dude. Just, duuuude.
Okay, seriously, I was lucky enough that my girl didn't throw shoes in the car, but she DID throw a little board book at me once and it cracked me right in the temple. Fuck.
Okay, the 25 year old baby boy is a total ass. What an ass. I'm so sorry you are going through that.
I love your email to them. People need to lay the fuck off about payments in situations like yours.

avarine said...

Man, that sucks.

I send you some sympathy.

Also, new layout? Looks rad.

Anonymous said...

wow.I just have to say how sad for your wonder why he would throw the fit about the backpack...hmm.wonder where he would have learned to have such a thing.How sad that you would be such a poor example to a young little boy.

yoga ninja mama said...

LMFAO. ohh boy. i do love the cowardly anonymous haters *grin* :).

dear anonymous: first i'd like to ask, have you ever met a three year old? i'd venture to say no, at this point, based on your idea that only MY three year old throws epic shit fits, and that three year olds learn how to throw fits from their parents or other authority figures. hate to tell ya this, genius, but fit throwing is inherently built into all three year old psyches. fact of life. i'm guessing you don't have any kids.

finally, i would recommend that before you attempt to unleash some haterade (in a cowardly "anonymous" fashion), you may want to take an ESL or ENG 101 class and learn how to construct a proper english sentence. case in point: "hmm. wonder where he would have learned to have such a thing."

sorry, what? my shit-fit throwing three year old can put together a sentence that is coherent, but apparently you missed that boat.

oh, and i hope you can find a doctor who can remove that giant stick from your ass *grin*.

yoga ninja mama said...

@Miss Shoe Box: LMAO at your "XL dildo" comment. wouldn't life be great if you could get away with doing shit like that and not lose your job or end up on COPS? haha. TVB, i love you :).

@Left of Lost: oh shit. those board books HURT! i'm glad you survived that one, that could've taken an eye out! i'm not much of a yeller and spanking isn't my style either, so i usually just try to explain to him WHY he can't throw things at me (or hit me, or talk back to me, etc.). he seems to grasp that now that he's a little older, and unless he's having a crazy "i lost touch with reality and i'm seeing red" kind of fit, he usually registers what i'm saying and chills out. unfortunately, during the shoe incident, he was in his own little pissed off world and didn't much care what i said to him. not even sure he could hear me over all the screaming. STINKER! lol :)

@avarine: thank you for the compliment about the new layout :). jessica at is the genius behind it. i told her i wanted something bold and funky and she ran with it. she is such a doll.

Jenny Jerkface said...

Ummm, so I generally suck at leaving comments because, well, I suck tits and I'm lazy. But I've been meaning to check out your shizz (shit, that DOES sound dirty)for awhile and now I'm finally here. On a Wednesday night. This is significant for me because it's 12:16 am, which means I'm not going to work tomorrow. Yay, me. It also means I may or may not have hit the whiskey.

Oh fuck. This isn't about me. Sorry, I forget that sometimes. Narcissistic bitch, I am

About you - You're a clever fucking bitch. You know that's a compliment so I'm not worried.

I was digging this shit until I saw the twatty comment from our ever famous "anonymous" giving you shit about your kid having a fit.

This pisses me off. I'm sensitive about the kid thing. I've seen my single ladies get harassed for having kids without the hubby and now I'm 32 and don't have children which means I'm sitting next to the devil or something (clue me in on this mentality). For real. People hate us non-breeders - it's kinda weird. My new neighbors just put a fence to apparently keep my non-child family out of their yard. Or the other way around.

Regardless (holy fuck is this long, don't hate me)where was I?

Oh yeah. Anonymous - I have to say I feel really bad for any kid you have because clearly you don't understand that kids throw fits. They yell. They scream. And it might be annoying but it's cool. They're just testing their boundaries. I mean, no offense, but I really hope you don't have kids because I don't and I still know this shit. If you do - totally calling childrens' services on your ass.

Sorry for the Jenny Jerkface rant. :P

"Miss Shoe Box" said...

....OMG..I was explaining this to the hubs and he suddenly became interested so I began reading your post aloud..HAHA! He says you should add the following to Anonymous:

@Anonymous And Thirdly, a wise black man by the name of Dolamite once coined this phrase that I believe applies to you undoubtedly, "Suck out my ass, Bi-atch."

*tears...literally rolling...*

@yoganinjamama We love you, dollface!:) -Ash

erpeer said...

Wow, what a week! Sorry it's been so rough on you. Loved your letter though. Made me smile. :) OH and I didn't realize your were blogging again. I will have to check back more often. Love you!

yoga ninja mama said...

do you guys like how it took me 10 years to respond to your comments? yeah. i'm awesome. i'm behind on LIFE in general right now. all things in life. everything. i even forget to eat. and pee.


ash: i know a few lawyers, but most of them are boring arrogant fucks. your husband, however, is the shiz. i heart him hard. that comment made me pee a little. yeah, i have bladder control issues when i laugh. i'm like a 90 year old woman. so sue me. lol. p.s. i love you.

JJ: you are welcome to come and rant on my blog anytime, peaches. JJ and STY rant sessions are two of my favorite things in life :).

and THANK YOU for defending me, non-breeder (that sounds really sci-fi. god, you ARE a freak. non-breeder *shudder*...i kid, i kid). you know, there is not a single fucking thing wrong with not wanting to have kids. this planet is over populated and smelly enough anyway. and let me tell you something, i love being a mom. i hardcore love it. but it is FUCKING EXPENSIVE. daycare rapes me in the ass every week. when i have to file my taxes and i see the total number of dollars i've spent on daycare in a year, i suddenly feel faint.

and then i remember that there isn't a god damn thing i can do about it. they've got me (and all the other working parents) by the balls.

uhhh. i'm rambling.

my point is, i love non-breeders :). i respect that.

but i'm thinkin' maybe your neighbors put up that fence to keep FSE out. that motherfucker is scary. sexy, but scary. FSE has me on the fence between fear and arousal. and what i mean by that is, it looks like he might rape me, but i think i might like it.

ok, leaving now.

Mox said...

Dammit I am so disappointed in the lack of EAT A DICK on the email. I am lol, but I hope you have a better week!


Mox said...

Oh, and Anon needs to also EAT A DICK.