Sunday, December 6, 2009

new moon (take 1, 2, and 3)

if you look closely, you'll see pocket edward hanging out in my boobies!

so, as the title implies, i've seen new moon a total of three times so far.

let me start out by saying, this movie elicits several involuntary reactions from me, the first of which is moaning like a sex-crazed girl on the verge of bliss. that infamous "here comes robward (aka sex on legs) stalking towards you from his volvo in the high school parking lot" scene, it gets me every time. it got me all three times, to be more specific. i even tried stuffing a sock in my mouth for the third viewing. oddly enough, i think the sock only amplified my lusty moans. *shrug* what can i say? i know what i like, and i'm vocal about it. brazen hussy, remember? ;)

the premiere event in surprise, az (hosted by and cullen boys anonymous) was banana-sandwich-crazy! apparently there were about 3,000 twihards in attendance. they had trivia, raffles, little gift bags, and they also arranged for kiowa gordon (who plays embry call, one of the wolfpack schmexies) to hang out at the theatre with 3,000 of his closest (boobie sporting) friends.

jeni and i just happened to be standing on the edge of the red carpet when kiowa arrived, and HOLY SHIT if i didn't almost cut a bitch (or like 10 bitches). within seconds of his arrival, there were elbows in my ribs, hands in my face, and blood pouring out of my ears as a hungry pack of hormonal female wildebeests shoved and screeched. those bitches were fierce. luckily, we didn't have to resort to violence and we also got to chat with kiowa for a minute as he stopped and signed our books and posed for pictures.

now, let's get something straight: kiowa is pretty. but not as pretty as rob (sorry dawg).

my second brush with kiowa was when we were seated in our theatre, waiting for the movie to start, and kiowa and his entourage (his brothers, one of which was kind of an ASSHAT) came into each theatre to intro the movie. jeni and i happened to be sitting in the row directly in front of where he stood to speak. at the end of his mini-speech, when the crowd was still quiet, i busted out with a LOUD "TEAM EDWARD!" to which kiowa responded by looking me straight in the eye and declaring, "EDWARD SUCKS! TEAM WOLFPACK!".

blah blah blah. sorry kiowa. this bitch is team edward for life.

i suppose i should rewind a bit and tell you how i ended up walking out of the theatre in a blanket. said blanket, who now lives on my bed, is very warm, very fuzzy, and came into my life pre-new-moon-screening that evening. how, you ask? well, the american red cross was on location at the premiere taking blood donations as part of the whole "vampire" theme. very clever, i must say. two points for you, american red cross, for cashing in on the twilight fever!

anyway, jeni and i decided to sign up and give blood. because we're really nice. well, jeni is nice. i'm kind of a bitch ;). anyway, all was swell for the first 10 minutes of the blood sucking procedure. i was chillaxin, talking to jeni, making friends, groovin' to the music, etc. all of a sudden, it hit me, out of fucking nowhere, i knew i was going to pass out. i was about 5 seconds away from passing out and there was not a damn thing i could do about it because, OH YEAH, this blasted fucking needle is sucking all of the blood out of my body! suddenly, i was feeling very selfish and decided i definitely needed my blood. ALL OF IT.

the american red cross blood suckers (who were very sweet, and kind of hilarious) immediately noticed that i was in a bit of trouble. i vaguely remember three or four them slapping ice cold towels on my chest and forehead, calling me "sweetie" repeatedly, pep talking me like i was giving birth, and blasting arctic temperature air directly at my face (they have these really convenient AC vents in the ceiling of the bus).

eventually i started to come back around, and since i was down a full pint of blood and still on the brink of unconsciousness, i was sorta fucking freezing. my teeth were chattering. in an obnoxiously loud manner.

that's when the fuzzy blue american red cross blanket and i became best buds. not only did i leave that donation bus with a purse full of snacks (nutter butters, oreos, and other generally unhealthy items), but i got a blanket out of the deal.

we donated blood BEFORE the movie, so i was fucking freezing for the entire film, and huddled in my blanket (looking like a psycho, no doubt). jeni snapped that lovely picture of me in said blue blanket on our way back to the car, post-new-moon-premiere, during which my teeth resumed their obnoxious chattering.

despite losing a pint of blood and probably chipping a few teeth from the violent teeth chattering, i still rocked those purple patent leather heels like a fucking champ ;).

also, pocket edward was in my boobies for a running total of 10 hours, so overall i'd say it was a "win" evening. especially for my boobies!


Donna Hashish said...

The Twilight frenzy sounds like the frenzy I went through to try and get a peak at Ryan Reynolds at the Wolverine World Premiere at Tempe Marketplace. Pure madness! Ryan Reynolds is hotter than Edward Cullen...mmmmmmm RR....

Mox said...

This bitch is Team Edward forever.

I second that.

Ryan Reynolds? Pishaw.


You are fucking awesome for yelling Team Edward. Dammit I wish I could have been there for that. Hilarious.

Unlike wanker, I hope you NEVER grow up. How boring would THAT be?

mrs. buckster said... me with those purple heels!? i just love you more everyday!

and i am so super jealous that you've seen the movie 3 times! i wanted to turn right around after the first time i saw it and watch it again. and again. and again.

also, i LOVE that you yelled Team Edward! even though i, myself, am inclined to the "wolfpack." be my friend still, please! haha! much love, mama.

carissajaded said...

Bahahaha you yelled at one of the wolves that you were team Edward!?? That is complete awesomeness my friend!! I would have probably done the same though!

I went with my friend to give blood a few months ago, and she passed out and I freaked out. So it's probably a good idea that you didn't have someone like me with you.. I'm sorry you were so cold during the movie, but maybe that combined with mini-edward in your boobies made the experience a little like you were actually in Edward's cold, vampire arms?

Donna Hashish said...

I only come to this blog to bash the Twilight posts...its all love Lane, its all love <3