i had a lot to talk about

but then i started drinking fat tire.

and it was all downhill from there.

in spite of my moderately tipsy state, there ARE a few really important things that i need to get off my chest.

first, i got new shoes. i love them so much, i'd definitely have sex with them if i didn't think it would be painful. but i'm guessing it would be kinda painful. sharp objects and my hoo-hah don't really get on very well. at any rate, they are probably the prettiest things i've seen since rob pattinson's (porn worthy) jaw and expertly tousled (sex) hair.

second, i happened upon a monstrosity in my mailbox recently: a new issue of "entertainment earth", with a lovely cover photo of the soon-to-be-released and highly anticipated edward and bella barbie dolls from none other than the anorexic propaganda machine itself, MATTEL! oh, HEAVENS! how exciting! WELL, at first, it was a glorious sight. my face, well, i'm pretty sure it lit up like a fucking christmas tree. instant replay:

(don't you wish your girlfriend was HOT like me? DON'TCHA?)

i'm a little ashamed to admit this, but i pre-ordered these barbie dolls about 3 or 4 months ago. no, i'm not kidding. and i didn't just pre-order the set of two. there's a special edition set that comes in a case, with two edwards and one bella. nope, still not kidding

be gentle with me. i still struggle with the fact that i fronted my hard earned cash for mattel products. further, i can't remember any point in my life when i had the desire to purchase or own a barbie doll. in fact, i used to pop their heads off when i was just a wee girl. my friends did not appreciate this. then, in high school, i took a bunch of barbie heads (can't remember where i got them. i was probably high when i did this, so that would explain why i can't remember where the fuck they came from) and gave them punk/new wave haircuts (with mod podge and glitter and markers), and then i hung them from my ceiling with push pins and fishing line.

like i said, there's a 98.43895743% chance that i was high when that went down.

anyway, when i got over my initial hissy fit of epic proportions, my face slowly contorted into something that looked a lot like this:

what in the FUCK is wrong with edward's face? what? you need a close-up, you say? no problem. happy to oblige.

this is not the face of my edward cullen, the hot vampy mess that gives me wet dreams. W.T.F. mattel, you done us dirty. DIRTY. DIR-TY.

and bella, you ho, the zipper on your jacket is bigger than your waistline.

dear mattel: suck my left tit (it's the one with the nipple piercing. 'cause the other one fell out.)

CHEERS!