Wednesday, September 16, 2009

i had a lot to talk about

but then i started drinking fat tire.

and it was all downhill from there.

in spite of my moderately tipsy state, there ARE a few really important things that i need to get off my chest.

first, i got new shoes. i love them so much, i'd definitely have sex with them if i didn't think it would be painful. but i'm guessing it would be kinda painful. sharp objects and my hoo-hah don't really get on very well. at any rate, they are probably the prettiest things i've seen since rob pattinson's (porn worthy) jaw and expertly tousled (sex) hair.

second, i happened upon a monstrosity in my mailbox recently: a new issue of "entertainment earth", with a lovely cover photo of the soon-to-be-released and highly anticipated edward and bella barbie dolls from none other than the anorexic propaganda machine itself, MATTEL! oh, HEAVENS! how exciting! WELL, at first, it was a glorious sight. my face, well, i'm pretty sure it lit up like a fucking christmas tree. instant replay:

(don't you wish your girlfriend was HOT like me? DON'TCHA?)

i'm a little ashamed to admit this, but i pre-ordered these barbie dolls about 3 or 4 months ago. no, i'm not kidding. and i didn't just pre-order the set of two. there's a special edition set that comes in a case, with two edwards and one bella. nope, still not kidding

be gentle with me. i still struggle with the fact that i fronted my hard earned cash for mattel products. further, i can't remember any point in my life when i had the desire to purchase or own a barbie doll. in fact, i used to pop their heads off when i was just a wee girl. my friends did not appreciate this. then, in high school, i took a bunch of barbie heads (can't remember where i got them. i was probably high when i did this, so that would explain why i can't remember where the fuck they came from) and gave them punk/new wave haircuts (with mod podge and glitter and markers), and then i hung them from my ceiling with push pins and fishing line.

like i said, there's a 98.43895743% chance that i was high when that went down.
anyway, when i got over my initial hissy fit of epic proportions, my face slowly contorted into something that looked a lot like this:

what in the FUCK is wrong with edward's face? what? you need a close-up, you say? no problem. happy to oblige.

this is not the face of my edward cullen, the hot vampy mess that gives me wet dreams. W.T.F. mattel, you done us dirty. DIRTY. DIR-TY.

and bella, you ho, the zipper on your jacket is bigger than your waistline.

dear mattel: suck my left tit (it's the one with the nipple piercing. 'cause the other one fell out.)



JZ said...

absolutely entertaining! your nipples are pierced? i know someone who got hers done and said it didnt really hurt...makes me wonder....

Miranda said...

2 edwards and one bella, hey? sounds kinky!

Mouf.Peace said...

i totally left my barbie dolls alone, my jem doll however - i attempted to blowdry her hair and instead it melted so then i made her bald and then got mad so i cut her head off and my mom kinda looked at me in a "um should i send her to a psychiatrist now or just ride it out and hope she doesn't kill the neighborhood cat?" kinda way. anyway, i kept my barbies cuz i liked to throw fashion shows. i only had 1 ken doll and he was the host, and he'd bang all the barbie models after the show. did i really just write an entire essay about barbies? ok anyway i'm sorry. lol it's almost the end of my work day and i'm blagging.

y does the edward barbie look like ray liotta and y does the bella barbie look like ... just barbie with brown hair? lol

Mouf.Peace said...

ok and after i re-read my comment i have one question: WTF IS BLAGGING? i know i WANTED to say "rambling," but that's nowhere close to BLAGGING. good god i'm sending myself home NOW.

yoga ninja mama said...

@ jess: look at you on blogger :). woohoo! i can tell you with certainty that it really didn't hurt to get my nipples pierced. but it's different for everyone. my best friend and i (she's over at got them done at the same time, and if i remember correctly, hers were pretty sensitive. everyone's different in that regard. but it's definitely worth it!

miranda: bella is a kinky bitch. don't let her shy demeanor fool you. haha :)

@mouf.peace: LMAO. girl, you crack me up. poor jem. OME, she coulda been a total punk rocker with the bald head! but instead, you decided to behead her. very henry the VIII of you! hahaha :).

blagging. i think we need to officially work that word into our vocab. i see real potential there. blogging + blabbing = blagging? you're a fkn GENIUS, wordsmith! :D

yoga ninja mama said...

p.s. abi, i think edward looks like mario lopez. lmao.

and you're right, bella just looks like someone took regular blonde barbie and spray painted her hair brown.


Danielle-lee said...

I MUST MUST MUST know where you got those shoes!! I can totally see why you would want to have sex with them! Omg. I am drooling.

yoga ninja mama said...

miss danielle, i have one word for you (and this word is the kryptonite to my bank account): ZAPPOS. seriously. is like the holy land of awesome shoes.

i just hopped over to their website and tried to find the link to the shoes for you, but they're sold out :(. i would bet if you hunt around on the internet you can find them elsewhere though. they're steve madden and the style is "reede".

shooooooes, pretty pretty shoes *drool*