whisperings

hello lovelies,

in the midst of mommying, studying, waiting tables, and dealing with the chaos that cancer unleashes on a family, i am finally starting to seriously revamp this little blog-home of mine. i'm going to be playing around with new designs/color/templates, so it might look a little funky (or downright ghastly) for a few days, but have faith. slowly but surely things are evolving.

 see you soon :).

dude, where's my blog?

i'm not sure if anyone still visits my dusty little blog.

after all, it's been two years and some change since i last posted.

a lot has changed. there's been a great deal of tragedy in my life. and a great deal of joy.

and i'm itching to reconnect and create and write. so, here i am.

i can't help but smile at the thought that i'm finally sitting down and writing this post. fine-uh-LEE!

so, if you're still out there: hi :).  i hope you still want to tag along with me on my (super weird) journey. stay tuned for some fucking debauchery and a lot of catching up.

namaste,

- laney (aka yoga ninja mama)

my heart is beating like a jungle drum

[not-so-wordless-wednesday: i'll be back soon. the semester is almost over. xoxo :)]

you are the brightest little firefly in my jar.

you know it's monday when...

every single electrical outlet in your kitchen fails to work. so you walk around your house, carrying the coffee maker like a desperate fiend, trying to find an outlet that will pity you. 

i love mondays!

mommy wars and veggie trays

ahhhh, life. so full of mysteries. life is riddled with timeless questions, questions that have plagued the collective human mind for centuries. you know, questions like: why are we here? what is the meaning of this thing called life? is reality just a dream? does god exist? what came first, the chicken or the egg? who is my secret santa? who stole the cookies from the cookie jar? who let the dogs out? why the hell do moms attack other moms over stupid shit that's really none of their business? and why the fuck am i always the one who brings the veggie tray to the potluck/party?


while i can't claim to have any definitive answers to these questions, i do have some opinions to share (i know, you're surprised).

oh wait, i do have one definitive answer to one of those questions. "who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?", you ask? it was probably the bulimic girl. just a guess. (i would know, i used to be one. i ate a shitload of cookies. just sayin'. :::shrug:::)

moving on.

nothing says "merry christmas" like mommy wars!



why the hell women can't seem to stop attacking one another for trivial shit is beyond me. i'm sure i'm not spewing any words of wisdom here when i say that being a mom is the hardest job anyone could ever undertake. neuroscience? heart surgery? PSHHHHH. CAKE compared to being a mom (here i am reminded of a wonderful gem of a lyric by my dear friend, lil wayne: "i got cake like everyday my birthday". werd. stay gangsta.)

i digress.

as i said, being a mom is a damn hard job. so here's a radical idea: how about we all support one another and encourage one another instead of cutting one another down for personal lifestyle choices, parenting styles, and other decisions that are really no one else's business? my favorite mommy wars battles are "the formula feeders vs. the breast milk moms" and "the anti-vax moms vs. the pro-vax moms". i'm all for sharing information. i'm certainly behind voicing your opinion, LOUD AND CLEAR. but is it necessary to verbally massacre a working mom who chooses to formula feed because that fits her lifestyle? or because she just doesn't want to breast feed? i have seen hardcore breast baby moms publicly humiliate formula feeding moms over this. i don't think that's necessary, productive, or anyone's business but the mom's and the baby's.  and if you get bitch slapped or sucker punched for acting like a first class penis wrinkle, i won't feel sorry for you. you asked for that by vomiting your unsolicited advice/opinion (read: attack) on another mom. 

and OH FUCK ME, the vax wars. listen, i don't care what you do. vaccinate, don't vaccinate, partially vaccinate -- it's all good in my book. just do your research, make an informed decision, and stick to your guns. and for the love of god, don't attack the other mom who chose to do something different with her kids. this is SUCH a personal decision and there is compelling research in support of both sides. sometimes you have to agree to disagree and just walk away. unless the other mom directly asks for your opinion, don't flame her. just shut the fuck up. 'cause you're being an ass.

there are a few exceptions to this rule. some mommies are kind of...well, creepy. like the ones who push their political views on their children and don't allow them to form their own opinions. these moms are creeptastic in a big way. exhibit A: the right wing parenting fail. there's no excuse for that shit. sorry. right wing, left wing, no wing, whatever. i love you all. just don't be a dumbass. 

finally, the veggie tray conundrum. i can't elaborate much on this. because i finally figured out the reason why i'm always the one who brings the veggie tray. pot luck? veggie tray. school party? veggie tray. new baby? hey, have a veggie tray.  death in the family? my condolences...and a veggie tray.

i'll admit it: i can't cook. or bake. and i don't want to poison you by attempting either of those grand feats (well, if i'm being honest, there may be a few of you i'd like to poison).

that's all i have to say about that. for now.

hey, the next post will be filled with christmas cheer! 

oh. one more thing. my lovely girl left of lost allowed me to grace her gorgeous blog with a guest post today! her blog is beautiful, and quite frankly SHE is beautiful. so get check out my guest post and the rest of her fabulous blog at a little left of lost.

new moon (take 1, 2, and 3)

if you look closely, you'll see pocket edward hanging out in my boobies!

so, as the title implies, i've seen new moon a total of three times so far.

let me start out by saying, this movie elicits several involuntary reactions from me, the first of which is moaning like a sex-crazed girl on the verge of bliss. that infamous "here comes robward (aka sex on legs) stalking towards you from his volvo in the high school parking lot" scene, it gets me every time. it got me all three times, to be more specific. i even tried stuffing a sock in my mouth for the third viewing. oddly enough, i think the sock only amplified my lusty moans. *shrug* what can i say? i know what i like, and i'm vocal about it. brazen hussy, remember? ;)

the premiere event in surprise, az (hosted by twifans.com and cullen boys anonymous) was banana-sandwich-crazy! apparently there were about 3,000 twihards in attendance. they had trivia, raffles, little gift bags, and they also arranged for kiowa gordon (who plays embry call, one of the wolfpack schmexies) to hang out at the theatre with 3,000 of his closest (boobie sporting) friends.


jeni and i just happened to be standing on the edge of the red carpet when kiowa arrived, and HOLY SHIT if i didn't almost cut a bitch (or like 10 bitches). within seconds of his arrival, there were elbows in my ribs, hands in my face, and blood pouring out of my ears as a hungry pack of hormonal female wildebeests shoved and screeched. those bitches were fierce. luckily, we didn't have to resort to violence and we also got to chat with kiowa for a minute as he stopped and signed our books and posed for pictures.



now, let's get something straight: kiowa is pretty. but not as pretty as rob (sorry dawg).

my second brush with kiowa was when we were seated in our theatre, waiting for the movie to start, and kiowa and his entourage (his brothers, one of which was kind of an ASSHAT) came into each theatre to intro the movie. jeni and i happened to be sitting in the row directly in front of where he stood to speak. at the end of his mini-speech, when the crowd was still quiet, i busted out with a LOUD "TEAM EDWARD!" to which kiowa responded by looking me straight in the eye and declaring, "EDWARD SUCKS! TEAM WOLFPACK!".

blah blah blah. sorry kiowa. this bitch is team edward for life.

i suppose i should rewind a bit and tell you how i ended up walking out of the theatre in a blanket. said blanket, who now lives on my bed, is very warm, very fuzzy, and came into my life pre-new-moon-screening that evening. how, you ask? well, the american red cross was on location at the premiere taking blood donations as part of the whole "vampire" theme. very clever, i must say. two points for you, american red cross, for cashing in on the twilight fever!

anyway, jeni and i decided to sign up and give blood. because we're really nice. well, jeni is nice. i'm kind of a bitch ;). anyway, all was swell for the first 10 minutes of the blood sucking procedure. i was chillaxin, talking to jeni, making friends, groovin' to the music, etc. all of a sudden, it hit me, out of fucking nowhere, i knew i was going to pass out. i was about 5 seconds away from passing out and there was not a damn thing i could do about it because, OH YEAH, this blasted fucking needle is sucking all of the blood out of my body! suddenly, i was feeling very selfish and decided i definitely needed my blood. ALL OF IT.

the american red cross blood suckers (who were very sweet, and kind of hilarious) immediately noticed that i was in a bit of trouble. i vaguely remember three or four them slapping ice cold towels on my chest and forehead, calling me "sweetie" repeatedly, pep talking me like i was giving birth, and blasting arctic temperature air directly at my face (they have these really convenient AC vents in the ceiling of the bus).

eventually i started to come back around, and since i was down a full pint of blood and still on the brink of unconsciousness, i was sorta fucking freezing. my teeth were chattering. in an obnoxiously loud manner.

that's when the fuzzy blue american red cross blanket and i became best buds. not only did i leave that donation bus with a purse full of snacks (nutter butters, oreos, and other generally unhealthy items), but i got a blanket out of the deal.

we donated blood BEFORE the movie, so i was fucking freezing for the entire film, and huddled in my blanket (looking like a psycho, no doubt). jeni snapped that lovely picture of me in said blue blanket on our way back to the car, post-new-moon-premiere, during which my teeth resumed their obnoxious chattering.

despite losing a pint of blood and probably chipping a few teeth from the violent teeth chattering, i still rocked those purple patent leather heels like a fucking champ ;).

also, pocket edward was in my boobies for a running total of 10 hours, so overall i'd say it was a "win" evening. especially for my boobies!

public service announcement (from my vagina)

just kidding. my vagina can't talk. yet.


this is just a quick note to say: please excuse my extended absence; i am currently experiencing repeated ass rapings courtesy of "real life". (pssshhhh, real life. what a joke.)

anyway.

this yoganinjamama promises to post your panties off this weekend with a new moon madness recap (fuckingFINALLY) and other goodies.

and also: I LOVE YOU. all of you. a lot. (even you, anonymous! you grumpy little wanker!)

post-new moon coma

i'm still recovering. i saw it twice. i moaned loudly during "the volvo scene" several times (sorry, robward does that to me.)


don't worry, i'll give you the play-by-play (complete with photos!) of my new moon premiere adventures soon (i know the suspense is killer); but for now, i leave you with this final photo of me from the opening night showing. i'll tell you later how i ended up in a fucking blanket.

i can't sleep because it's almost time for NEW (FUCKING) MOON!

so, it's 12:41 am. this time tomorrow night, i'll be sitting on the edge of my seat in a theatre making a mental note of the screaming teenies who might get a knuckle sandwich from yours truly watching NEW (fucking) MOON! i had to put the "fucking" in the middle, because it's the best way to illustrate the crack-high-like elation i'm experiencing at the thought of this. i say "fuck" a lot when i'm really excited. true story.

ANYWAY. i can't sleep. which is...not cool, since i have to be up at 4:30 to get myself and sagebug out the door on time and into the wonderful world of reality (which i'm still hoping doesn't really exist. i have this totally plausible theory that all the lame stuff in between the awesome stuff is just a boring dream.)

uhmmm, where was i?

oh yeah. NEW (fucking) MOON!

i've been ready for this shit since the day i was born. this must be the meaning of life, right? it sure as hell feels like it.

i'm a fan of lists, they help me function (and weed out all of the clutter in my brain. believe me, there's a shit ton of clutter in my brain). i make lists for just about everything in my life, and preparing for new moon was certainly no exception. this is serious business, folks.

yoga ninja mama's new moon checklist

1. movie tickets? check


2. least douchey twilight related clothing item? check


3. mild sedative to calm nerves when loud teenagers won't shut the fuck up during the movie? check (mini bottles of jack daniels :)


4. ipod loaded with twilight and new moon soundtracks for the drive to and from the theatre? check


5. extra pairs of panties to change into after experiencing multiple orgasms from seeing rob's body on a gigantic screen? check


6. fangs and bright red contacts? check


7. pocket edward (mini e)? check


8. at least one twitarded friend? check
   
9. ability to make rational/logical decisions, exhibit age appropriate behavior, and remain calm? non-existent in twilight bubble
   
10. sanity? ...what?

i'm ready! bring on the twihard army, complete with massive amounts of squeeing! will we make it out alive? it's anyone's guess. but if i die, at least i'll die in the noble pursuit of rob pattinson related media.

yoga ninja mama and VanityFair Rob makeout sesh!

sunday evening story time with yoga ninja mama: rob wants to touch me. i want to touch rob. kumabaya! hallelujah! life is awesome. the end.

O-FACE.

::waves:: bye!

brazen hussies

hey peaches. nice panties.

i'm a dirty bitch.

there, i said it. chances are, i'm not telling you anything that you don't already know, but sometimes it feels pretty damn liberating to put something down in a few plain and simple words. just so there's no mistaking the truth (especially if you're like me and you always go out of your way to make everything convoluted...whether you mean to or not ;).

i'm not ashamed of my dirty nature though. nope. in fact, i'm here to tell you that I'M CRASS, and i'm ok with that. one of my pet peeves is when i overhear (or i'm told) that something is "unladylike". ya know, when a woman talks about sex, flips someone the bird, uses any variation of the word "fuck", has a ballsy opinion, belches, etc. i'm not sure which misogynistic genius created the "unladylike" rule, or who decided what exactly constitutes an "unladylike" behavior, but i call bullshit. and i sure as fuck would like to belch in that person's face and then tell them all the raunchy details about my favorite sexcapade. (that's ladylike, right?)

last time i checked my super-secret-fuckhawt-robert-pattinson calendar, it was 2009, not 1816. correct me if i'm wrong, but women supposedly share the same liberties as men this century, no? women raise kids on their own, women buy vibrators and sparkle peens. and big ups to lady gaga for allowing us to be open about the fact that we want to "ride your disco stick". shit, we can even pee standing up. i, for one, think all signs point to FUCKAWESOME.

so, prudes ladies and gents, the next time you call me or one of my tata-sporting peers "unladylike", i'm going to smack you in the face with a sparklepeen and beat you over the head with a copy of "cunt: a declaration of independence".

capiche? ;)

(wordless wednesday) kstew: fiery, fierce, and fuckhawt

paper tiger.

the collective "SQUEE!" heard 'round the world

yeah, do your ears hurt from all the SQUEEING? mine are still ringing.


oh, shit. maybe that's because i was going BANANA-SANDWICH-FUCKING-CRAZY in my room at exactly 4:43 pm this afternoon when my twitter twin, miss shoe box, informed me that THE ROBSTEN SHIT HAS HIT THE FAN! (ok, she didn't really say that. what she did was IM me a link and instruct me, no less than five times in ALL CAPS, to "LOOK NOW! LOOK NOW! GOOOOOO!").


so i clicked. and then i died. of sheer joy. from the robsten love documented in paris today. are you ready for this? ARE. YOU. READY...?

photo from x17online.com, where you can find a shitload more pictures of this event. a shitload more than you ever need to see. one is good enough, unless you're a twicum guzzling whore like me. but in case you want more. go there.

click the photo above for BIG (and i do mean BIG). and feel free to zoom. 'cause, like miss shoe box said, "that's all kinds of noodle hands!". NOODLE HANDS. LOVEY DOVEY NOODLE HANDS! that's what those are.

excuse me, robsten haters and robsten doubters, could you please form a line "to the left, to the left", and drink your haterade together? 'cause you suck. and this is PROOF! PROOF, BABY!

*happiest-ninja-ever dance*

and i'm totes blaming the #robsten explosion for breaking my uber twitter this evening. not that i'm complaining. just sayin'.

....silence...

*FIST PUMP!*

halloween recap (better late than never *shrug*)

ok, i know, i'm way late with this. i'm slow. besides, like most of my fellow mamas, i feel like i have exactly 15 spare minutes that are truly mine in the course of any given day. and those are the 15 minutes at the end of the day; you know, the 15 mins right before before my body just decides it's had enough of being awake and i collapse and start drooling wherever i happen to be. sexy visual, right?

anyway. halloween was a blasty blast. sage, despite having been sick since weds night, wasn't running a fever anymore and was stoked about trick-or-treating, so i took him out with our neighbors for about 40 minutes. he's not really into candy -- he THINKS he is, but he usually takes one bite of the candybar or whatever it is and then declares he doesn't want it. so, while he thought getting candy was pretty cool, the most exciting part of the event was ringing doorbells. this kid is a future "ding dong ditch" champion, mark my words. BRING IT.

halloween cupcake with a 50 ft blob of neon green icing. mmmm!

after thomas the train was safely snuggled in bed, yoga ninja mama (disguised as a vampire cabaret girl) went out to play with the big kids:

fun was had by all! a few highlights:

1. "tammy from the streets" snorting a red jello shot ("tammy from the streets" = extremely intoxicated guy dressed as a female whore).

2. the staged chain saw massacre, during which i was clutching onto a friend's shirt so tightly that i nearly strangled him.

3. the hippie and the samurai fighting (which resulted in the samurai sword landing in the pool and sinking to a lonely death)

hooray for halloween! *happy ninja dance*

OME! it's halloween!

first of all, i'd like to be the first to announce that it's HOODIE SEASON in phoenix. oh wait, scratch that. it WAS hoodie season. for about four days. today, however, it's 90 degrees again. *sigh*. i'm putting my hoodie season post on the shelf until the real hoodie season makes its grand entrance *glares at mother nature*. during the sprinkling of chilly fall days we had recently, sage and i did manage to take a trip to mother nature's farm and visit their pumpkin patch.

what? don't act like you're surprised that i gawked and took a picture of the sheep with the BIGGEST BALLS ON THE PLANET. you don't see this shit every day.

next item on the agenda: HALLOWEEN! gah! it's my favorite holiday, hands. down. unfortunately, i haven't had a ton of extra time on my hands this year to get into the halloween spirit. usually i go all out with halloween crafts, a spooky movie marathon, a well thought out costume, etc. but this year? nada. i can't say that i can check any of those halloween rituals off of my list this year *sigh* *kicks self*.

the one thing i DID manage to do? get my hands on some fuckhawt volturi contacts. ahh, my twilight obsession. it bleeds into every aspect of my life. and i wouldn't have it any other way ;). i also have fangs, which will be on display at the halloween party i'm attending tonight, but here are the contacts:

happy volturi vamp

i-will-fuck-you-up volturi vamp

little bug has been sick with a fever and general flu-esque symptoms since weds night, but he's bounced back a bit today and his fever seems to have broken for the most part. so thomas the tank engine will be out trick or treating tonight, i'm happy to say. it would break my heart if he were too sick to go, as he's really been looking forward to it. photos to come, natch ;). oh and if you're in the mood for some stellar halloween music (and how could you not be? HELLO! IT'S HALLOWEEN!), do yourself a favor and make your way over to the music savvy mom blog. you can thank me later!

oh, and i've already picked out my costume for next year:

vaginaaaaa! check out more awesome vagina costumes at wtfcostumes.

ok pretty bitches, i'm off to get vamped up whilst listening to some kickass halloween music. be safe and have fun, lovelies!

the monsters of folk show: a two hour musicgasm

i'm not sure i can find the words to adequately describe how incredible this show was. my head is still in the clouds and my feet are still tapping. we were 15th row center and it was gorgeous. the orpheum theatre is a beautiful place by itself, but when conor oberst, m. ward, jim james, and mike mogis are on stage together, prepare to be mindfucked straight out of your skull.

they played a solid 2.5 hours. they played monsters of folk tunes, old/new bright eyes numbers, m. ward lovelies, and my morning jacket lullabies.

it's safe to say that throughout the entire show, my smile was so big that it was eating my face. my cheeks are sore from the constant smiling. luckily, emilie is well accustomed to the strange reactions i have when conor oberst is in close proximity. so she wasn't alarmed.

(em, i've never seen a conor/bright eyes show without you, and if i can help it, i never will. oh wait, ok, there was that one time when bright eyes played at the celebrity theatre with jesse sykes. i went alone. i think you were in indiana that night.)

anyway. since words are obviously failing me, here are a few photos:

after the show, i drove em back to her car, and we stumbled upon this masterpiece right next to modified arts. i don't know this joe pagac guy, but i'd like to give him a big wet kiss for painting this mural. when we saw it, i made loud noises from the car as we were driving by, then we parked and i dragged emilie around the corner with me to take pictures. she puts up with me, isn't she sweet? ;)



after she took this picture, i made out with the wall. after two glasses of wine and a show full of fantastic musicgasm fuckery, i just couldn't help myself *shrug*.

i have a ticket stub and photos and beautiful music in my head. now all i need is the set list. *runs away to search internet*

new kicks

hipster moms rejoice! i give you: sage's first pair of converse.

well, that's sort of a lie. his first pair were traditional chuck taylor hi tops. but that was awhile ago, and he was still in that "i'm a baby and i grow at the speed of light" phase, so he only got to wear them two or three times before they had to be retired to the box.

anyway, when i brought these bad boys home the other night, sage was beside himself with excitement. he loves them. and so do i. everyone wins.

you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place

i wrote this about two weeks ago, but stuffed it away in my 'drafts' folder. i wasn't sure about it. but i want to post it, because there are few things in my life as simple and as true as this.

***

i spent the weekend grueling (and mumbling expletives) over an essay for my lit class.

i wasn't happy about writing it. i love to write, and i thoroughly enjoy reading, but i wasn't thrilled with d.h. lawrence's "the rocking-horse winner". i only had to read it once to file it neatly away under the "boring and irrelevant" folder in my mental filing cabinet of literature that i both love and loathe.

i turned the paper in tonight. after i got home and poured myself a (big fucking) glass of spanish red wine, it hit me. all of a sudden, i felt the delicious, overwhelming weight of absolute gratitude. i don't know what spurred this web of thought. but suddenly i was very aware of the cruel reality of the mother from lawrence's story. if you haven't read the story, let me tell you about the mother, hester. hester was a woman who was blessed in many ways (the house, the kids, the husband, the hired help), but she was never satisfied, because she was entirely consumed by her obsession for more. more money, more material possessions, more social status trophies, more money, more money, more money. hester's obsession left no room in her heart for anything but her futile pursuit of obscene wealth. she could not love her children, she could not appreciate her life, and she could not feel gratitude at all. there's an eerie supernatural, perhaps evil undertone to the story, and ultimately the obsession ends up killing one of hester's children.

i suppose i read the story so many times over the weekend, in an attempt to perfect the essay (note to self: perfection is still overrated and always will be), that i missed the underlying emotion i was feeling.

tonight it hit me. i am so fucking grateful for sage's bright smile, his curious mind, and his overflowing heart. sage is my favorite person in the entire world. sometimes when i see his face light up, i have to pinch myself to remind me that he's real. and he's mine :).

it's no secret that i love bright eyes and any project that conor oberst touches ('cause whatever he does is fucking fabulous. even his poop is a smelly work of art. serious.) this is one of my favorite bright eyes songs. i can't listen to it without a few stray tears trickling down my cheeks.

sagebug, this song is yours. and so is my heart.

life in a snow globe (not as pretty as it should be)

i feel like my life is a snow globe, and someone just keeps shaking the fuck out of it.


it's a cluster fuck in here and i can't see my hand in front of my face.


holding my breath until friday, when this week comes to a close and i can finally sit down and post something of substance.

<3